Harry’s Cat
By Paul Aihoshi
So let me tell you a story about Harry and this Cat.
Harry was this poor salesman who lived in the Junction above this used dryer store, Vito’s Used Appliances, which is clearly a place that people go to when they want anything but a used dryer.
So, this one grey evening after Harry sold $400 worth of shoes, making it the best day of his life, he decided to celebrate with a nice dinner at Wu’s Dragon – one of the best chinese food places to eat in the Junction. Running on his shoe selling high, he must have ordered at least six plates of noodles. But as he consumed his last plate, out of nowhere guns began to fire. The Junction Mafia and Wu’s restaurant staff had to settle old business over a bad spicy beef plate. Harry was surrounded by a hail of bullets and wonton soup, and ducked under his table bringing his plate with him. But as fate would have it, a bullet struck him in the chest, now making it the worst day of his life.
But as he began to fall into his eternal sleep, a cat appeared. It was a grey and black cat with white socks, actual white socks, with not one hole in them. Suddenly, the cat leaped into the air, and as if it were a dream, Harry swears he heard the sound of Cat Karate, a skill Harry only heard of the time he fell asleep in his Dad’s paint workshop. And as Harry turned his head about, he saw bodies drop all around him.
Now, this part I have a hard time believing, but once that cat killed all those mobsters, she darted under Harry’s table, and as Harry drifted away she began to lick his wound over and over again until it was gone. Harry was alive; the cat had saved his life. Then as soon as the cat was there, she was gone, leaving it up to Harry to explain to the police what happened that night.
After spending four nights under supervision in the psychiatric ward at the local Junction Hospital, Harry came home that night believing the Karate Cat story was never true and that he made it up given the situation. But that night, as he fell into his lazy boy recliner, the cat appeared in his kitchen.
At first, Harry thought he drew it up from his imagination, but after a further assessment he discovered that the cat was in fact real. His proof was in the urine stains and scattered hair all over his bed sheets. However, there is some speculation as to whether or not those were his urine stains and hair scattered around his bedsheets. After all, he was a balding man and would shed a layer of back hair once a year.
Soon it was inevitable, the two had bonded and began listening to radio shows and cuddling. They’d even go on dates and see movies together, the cat’s favourite being Citizen Kane and Casablanca, Harry’s being a French fetish film called, “Esprit de Famille.” Regardless, it was a match made in heaven and they were very much in love.
A few weeks later, Harry discovered an unusual talent the cat had – the ability to do his taxes. Considering Harry was only a door-to-door shoe salesman and didn’t make much money, tax season was only a minor strain in his life, but never-the-less, this was still a bonus.
Harry soon discovered a new way of making money by starting his own business as a tax account. But of course, the cat would do all the work, even make the phone calls. And, without even asking, the cat did Vito’s Used Appliances’ taxes too.
One morning as Harry slept in his pile of money and the cat typed away on the old Remington Portable smoking a cigarette, a loud crash was heard. Harry woke and looked out his window. He noticed shattered glass on the pavement, as well as an angry Vito chasing the taxman out of his store with a baseball bat and revolver. Unsure of what the commotion was all about, Harry fell back asleep in his comfortable bed of money and the Cat continued to work.
The next morning, Harry woke with the sound of silence. The cat was not at the desk typing away and there were no signs of cigarettes or the cat’s open bottle of bourbon until Harry looked to his ceiling. The cat was sitting peacefully on one of the fan blades staring at him with pouncing eyes. Needless to say, the cat pounced at him with violent claws and one uppercut that would hurt your unborn children’s children. They would wrestle each other for the next half hour, destroying the apartment until finally Harry was thrown out his window onto the street below. Luckily for Harry, the hard concrete broke his fall, leaving him with only a dislocated shoulder.
Harry picked himself up and slowly made his way to the pay phone across the street. As he began to dial for the police, they arrived, at least 8 police cars. The officers each jumped out and aimed their pistols at Vito’s Used Appliances. And like the bowels of my brother, the building exploded.
The police were knocked to the ground and several windows on the block were shattered. And, Harry stood there watching the smoke and flames burn away his career, money, his leftover chinese food, and sadly the cat.
As it turned out Vito had been creating faulty dynamite and selling it to school children, and if it wasn’t for the cat filing his shady taxes he would have never been caught. But of course, he went up in flames with the rest of the building.
And as for the cat, her body was never found and most likely became pile of black ash sitting next to Vito. However, if she hadn’t attacked Harry so violently and thrown him out the window, he be dead too. But it wouldn’t be the last time he’d see the cat.
For the next fifty years, Harry led himself on a downward spiral. Many times he tried to sell his Cat story to publishers and even the local newspapers, but no one believed him or took any interest. He even tried selling shoes again, but at that point in time people discovered shoe stores. He became a homeless drunk. His favourite alcohol being gasoline and discarded lemon wedges.
On Harry’s last night on earth in an alleyway, he realized he had lived a sad life. He had spent his whole time worrying about money and fame, and not thinking about what mattered most: a companion, a friend, some one to share his life with. What he needed most was someone like the Cat, but preferably a human – one with breasts if possible. And as he realized his mistakes, he saw something in the twilight beckoning him. It was the Cat. Harry reached out and grabbed her paw and she pulled him toward her. They held each other and floated into the heavens, aka, the smog surrounding the city. And so became Harry’s best and first day of his afterlife.
His body was later found covered in urine and back hair next to a bottle of expired Pepto-Bismol.
